literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
