I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
