I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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