nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize