I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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