After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize