i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
