dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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