Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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