TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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