dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
