So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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