Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
