Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
