im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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