I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
