Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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