You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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