We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
