Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize