just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
