dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
