but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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