hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
