dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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