She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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