also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize