my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
