man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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