I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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