I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
