Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
