I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
