Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
