I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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