I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
