Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
