omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
