giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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