I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
