Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
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we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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