I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
