Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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