His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize