I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
