what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
