At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
