just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
