Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
the room spins SO much faster in panama
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
