Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize