Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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