The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
