We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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