3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
