I like to think it a success when the cops are called
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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