Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
